“Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be this hard”

Last night I watched one of the most incredible performances I’ve ever seen by Coldplay. During the encore, they sang “The Scientist”. It was so beautiful I cried. If you listen to the lyrics carefully, they are very touching and share a very strong message about relationships.

Perseverance and commitment are two big themes that I’ve contemplated about this year.  In the last year,  I’ve explored being single again. I’ve met so many new people, established new friendships, strengthened old relationships, been on some good dates and some not so good. I have jumped into things quickly only to realize again that slowing down is really a better path. I have built walls-thick massive ones to guard my heart and am slowly learning again how to build bridges.  I have been loved, liked, rejected, hurt and charmed. Let’s not forget the Yaletown puma circuit and the variety of douchebags along the way too.  =P

But through it all, at this stage in my life, the next person that I commit to, I hope to build a lifetime with that person.  And while I have met men that may be smitten or attracted to me, I wonder if they have the devotion to persevere through the hard times. The times when I’m insecure and fragile, when I hurt and don’t have the energy to be a happy mood enhancer, when I’m inpatient and frustrated, when I trip and bruise because I’m such a klutz, when I lack basic life skills with anything that has to do with cars, appliances and meals that involve more than 5 ingredients, when I’m not pretty and have  zero sex appeal, when gravity takes force and I have wrinkles and a much larger dress size, when I’m emotionally drained and weak… will you still persevere?

Divorce rates are at phenomenal highs, and I’m sure that if you were to count the number of friends you have in healthy relationships, the ratio of unhealthy and unhappy ones would overrule. There are many reasons behind this, one being we are no longer marrying for survival, as many in our parents and grandparents generations did, divorce is a lot more attainable and accessible than it was ever before in history, and so forth. However, I think there is also a major shift in our generation’s culture and way of thinking in North America. We live in a consumerist society, where upgrading and striving for the next best thing is the norm and incredibly easy to obtain. We are also fanatics of instant gratification – and our everyday practices of speedy responses via email and text to a purchase or drug to feel some degree of a rush is a common occurrence. We like quick fixes and we want it fast and we want it now. And if you stop to really think about it, this everyday way of being transpires into the way we conduct and go about our relationships as well.

“Things” are disposable and unfortunately, this mentality has equated to people being disposable too. When it feels good, when all the right chemicals are reacting together to create a blissful, excited harmony, we are “happy” and some would say, “in love”. But when it stops bringing that pleasure, excitement, rush and fun, then the easy thing is to dispose and just get a new one, or cheat. Of course, I’m not saying everyone is like this, but I do feel many people go about “love” in this manner. This way isn’t necessarily wrong as that would depend on your personal value set and definitions, but for me, I don’t think it is rooted in reality, and practically speaking, it’s exhausting.

Relationships are hard, and true, loyal commitment is even harder. Sometimes you will feel like you are “stuck in reverse”…but if you say those words, “I love you…I can’t live my life without you…” those are powerful words that shouldn’t be treated lightly – they come with promise and faith. And while you may not have the feel good chemicals to push you through those hard times, hopefully your promise and strength will guide you to choose perseverance.

The Scientist

By Coldplay

Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry

You don’t know how lovely you are.

I had to find you, tell you I need you,

Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions,

Oh lets go back to the start.

Running in circles, Comin’ up tails

Heads on a science apart.

Nobody said it was easy,

It’s such a shame for us to part.

Nobody said it was easy,

No one ever said it would be this hard.

Oh take me back to the start.

I was just guessin’ at numbers and figures,

Pulling the puzzles apart.

Questions of science, science and progress

Do not speak as loud as my heart.

And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me

Oh and I rush to the start.

Runnin’ in circles, Chasin’ tails

Comin’ back as we are

Nobody said it was easy,

Oh it’s such a shame for us to part.

Nobody said it was easy,

No one ever said it would be so hard.

From LeLove

My letter to a dear friend going through a breakup…

Dear _______,

Breakups are never easy…and even though you survived your first one a few years ago, for some reason, it doesn’t get “easier” the next time it happens…it’s just different. You hurt just the same, in fact, the magnitude may feel even greater,  your heart feels like it’s been shattered in a million pieces and your cries are like convulsive body earthquakes. But as you know, time heals, distance makes it easier and eventually your weeps will turn into delicate tears, and those tears will eventually turn into a nostalgic memory.

I am proud of you. It takes a lot of strength to do the right thing – for yourself and for the other person. Our emotions, feelings and chemical reactions rule us –and it is the easier and weaker route to fall to what just “feels good” at the time instead of what is ultimately healthy and positive.

A breakup is very similar to the different stages of mourning the loss of someone. You will go through the rollercoaster of emotions – at first, a lot of sadness,  loneliness and a whole lot of missing. You will doubt your decision and even make justifications. The next stage is denial. At this point, you will probably attempt to establish relations again. This part is very tricky. Everyone does it and it’s a very new age liberal way of doing things – but be aware it does prolong the healing and getting over process. Anger will definitely be another stage – where you resent, recount the bad memories, the fights and feel victimized. Then it circles back again to sadness, where you think you’ll never open your heart again and tread like a fragile bird, afraid of anything being able to hurt you again.

It’s been over half a year since my heartbreak, and to be honest, while my everyday is filled with great friends, tons of joy and lots and lots of laughter, there are moments, especially at night, when I’m alone, that I have my moments of overwhelming emotion. I still struggle with the fact that someone who I loved so dearly left me and so easily started a new life with someone else.  So when you see how I build up walls, delete potential men out of my life and fight so hard to protect my ego and heart – this is where it comes from. A place of fear – where all of my insecurities – abandonment and not being good enough  - looms over me as a risk if I open my heart again.

It has taken the advice and wisdom of good friends and family, beautiful songs, witnessing others in positive relationship to take me out of my jaded black cloud and believe in love again. I’ve realized that all I can do is be a source of love myself – embrace the love around me, cherish it and give and share it with others. That is my source of joy.

I’ll end off with a quote that always reminds me of you – a constantly changing, ever- evolving soul:

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly”.

Love,

Me.

The Difference Between Pleasure and Joy

If you ask someone if they know the difference between pleasure and joy, they will most likely cite the correct definitions of both. However, while we can define it easily, are we conscious of the difference when we make choices on a daily basis?

Pleasure is fleeting. You experience pleasure when you have something – whether that be a person, a decadent dessert, the excitement of a new purchase, but when you don’t have it, you feel it’s  opposite – pain. Have you ever been in an unhealthy relationship where you feel pangs of pleasure when are together or share intimacy, but the minute he/she is not there or you no longer share those experiences you feel immense pain? Versus, have you ever truly, and sincerely loved someone and feel joy whether you are with them or not? You embrace the moments that have been shared, and that constant joy and love cannot be injured.

I’ve definitely experienced both and recently, a wise man told me the words “Move through life fearlessly. Who you are cannot be injured.” While I’ve always had a pretty positive outlook on life, these words were very inspiring. I’ve built some major defense mechanisms and walls to protect my ego and heart, to avoid pain or the chance of disappointment. But I have realized that while I may fall from time to time, I always get back up because at my very core, I have joy and love…and no person, no hardship and no external factor can take that away. Of course, I haven’t always been like that, and there are and will be many times where I’ll feed my insatiable appetite for pleasure… nothing wrong with that. But, I think it’s important we understand the pain – pleasure dichotomy as it will shape our lives.

We live in a consumer society where upgrading and the mentality of “out with the old and in with the new” prevails. There is always something bigger and better, the grass is always greener on the other side and suddenly, an IPOD that holds 10,000 songs seems primitive. Many of us lack joy, which is why we find as many ways as we can to fill the gap with rushes of pleasure. Below is a thought evoking excerpt from the world teacher, Jiddhu Krishnamurti:

“It is the struggle to repeat and perpetuate pleasure which turns it into pain. The very demand for the repetition of pleasure brings about pain, because it is not the same, as it was yesterday. You struggle to achieve the same delight…and you are hurt and disappointed if it denied to you. Have you observed what happens to you when you are denied a little pleasure? When you don’t get what you want you become anxious, envious, even hateful. Have you noticed when you have been denied the pleasure of drinking or smoking or sex or whatever it is – have you noticed what battles you go through?” (Krishnamurti, Jiddhu. Freedom From the Known. Chapter 4).

I’ll reference back to relationships, because I have a lot of female friends who are at points in their lives when they are sticking to the same patterns with men or about to make pivotal changes in the direction of their relationships. When deciding to pursue a relationship, or stay in a one, is that decision based on getting instant gratification, soothing a deeper issue of attachment or insecurity? It is a decision that will feed your appetite for pleasure and consequently its shadow, pain?

Can you experience something, whether that be the beauty of a sunset, an experience with someone you truly love, the magic sensation of a new taste or a perfect melody…and look at it without thirsting for the experience to be repeated? I think when you can, you experience tremendous joy.

What Climate Do You Create?

“I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous.

I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration, I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is humanized or de-humanized.

If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming.”

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, 1749-1832 German Philosopher, Novelist and Poet

Our Values Determine our Definitions of what is “Right” or “Wrong”

When I reflect on the majority of conflict in my closest relationships, I have realized that the majority of them stem from one thing – a fundamental difference in value sets. What is right and what is wrong – is all birthed from the root of where our values lie. When someone is doing something that we deem completely wrong and feel slighted by (whether that be lying, snooping, forgetting, etc) – in our frustration we forget that their behavior may stem from a different set of values, guiding principles (or lack of) and habits. Your values shape how you choose to do life, and subsequently, what defines “right” and “wrong” to you. My definition of what is “right” and how one should think, act or behave may be completely different from the person next to me. Is one more “right” than the other? Basic moral ethics not included, probably not, you are only “right” according to your definition of what “right” is.

So just because two people have a different idea on values and what is right/wrong…is that relationship doomed? Well that depends, you either accept it and with patience and understanding accept that there will may be another “breach” in your values…or you realize that there are some things that are non negotiable and cannot be compromised.

We’ve all heard the saying “opposites attract”, but in reality this isn’t actually the case. In fact, studies show that married couples who have non similar value sets have a much higher rate of divorce than those who share similar values and beliefs (Trees, Andrew, “Decoding Love”). My entire life, I’ve never really had a strategy on how I approach romantic relationships. Pretty much if an opportunity presented itself and there were feelings strong enough, I’d be open to it. However, going forward, I will use the same strategy in how I approach my friendships and business relationships; see if there is a similar/complimentary set of values first and foremost and then determine whether to move forward or not.

So the criticism is that people can change or learn, and you may be missing out on someone great because of such a filtering system. Maybe so, and maybe I’ll miss out on some fun and adventures, but at this stage in my life, I think I’d rather know upfront if there is a clash in values versus finding out 2 years down the road.

who is the most beautiful person you know?

Shopping for a Cause – my article on partlysunny.ca

Dubbed as “a one stop philanthropy shop” by TechCrunch, Causecast is an interactive community that connects individuals, celebrities and leaders to support various world causes. Getting involved is easy, you just sign up, look for causes that resonate with you and choose how you want to make your mark for positive change – whether that be to spread the word, donate or attend an event or charity party.

Want to know what cause your favorite celebrity is actively involved in? Check out the roster of Causecast leaders such as Russell Simmons or Jennifer Lopez to see what positive differences they are making and how you can get involved.

Here’s how we helped:

Amy Chan donated to: To Write Love on Her Arms

They are a non profit movement dedicated on helping those who are struggling with depression, addiction and suicide. This is a blurb on the organization’s profile:

You were created to love and be loved.
You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you’re part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters.

We live in a difficult world, a broken world… We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments. You need to know that you’re not alone in the places you feel stuck.

Sunny Shum donated to: Friends of TOMS

Friends of TOMS provides the Shoe Drop volunteer program and helps the treatment of those affected with Podoconiosis, a debilitating foot and leg disease, in Ethiopia that is 100% preventable by wearing shoes from an early age. For every pair of TOMS purchased, one pair goes to the cause.

Make your mark for positive change now – www.Causecast.org

Amy Chan, PartlySunny Contributor

precious heart

April has been eventful to say the least. I’ve attended some great events with great company and have been busy with tons of projects that are keeping my insatiable desire for creative inspiration in check. Positive note on the work, lifestyle and hobby front.

On matters of the heart, I found out that my ex is now with someone else, and the news, unexpectedly, hit me quite hard. It was like déjà vu…I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces all over again as a wave of emotions overwhelmed me. Past resentment, anger and pain took over and the black cloud that was there in the initial phases returned.

I have never in my life been so hurt in a relationship, and that is probably because I have never let someone in so close and completely before. And yes, right now all I can seem to be able to do is focus on the pain as it is the sharpest of the emotions.

Immediately, I want to close up…the optimistic, wide eyed, romantic and dreamy girl I once was and was so proud on being is becoming more cynical, judgmental and eye rolling by the day. My filtering and blacklisting processes have never been in more full force – and while I may not like it, I don’t know how to stop it.

Presently, I don’t feel I can afford to gamble on matters of the heart, no matter how high the stakes are. My heart is mending and doesn’t have the immunity power to survive any more disappointment or heart ache or wondering “why hasn’t he called” business. While most of my experiences and dating disasters are often comical and will make for great stories to tell my grandkids one day, honestly, laughter aside, it’s a bit demotivating.

I’m done with crying, hurting, and putting frozen cranberries on my eyes so they aren’t swollen for my company presentations the next morning. And I know it’s a matter of time, and I know next week I’ll be jumping up and down and back to normal again. But there are moments in the night where it just hits me again, and I wish the wound could just heal back up so I can be normal again.

mending…

It’s been a little over 4 months since my breakup and I thought enough time had passed for me to be healed. I’ve spent a lot of time investing in hobbies, making new friends, growing my friendships and travelling. Everything seemed to be rosey, until this evening, when I found out that my ex has a new girlfriend.

The news hit me like a ton of bricks, and there I was again, with my heart shattered into a million pieces. It was like deja vu – as suddenly all these emotions that I thought I had parted with came rushing back to me as if it all just happened yesterday. I’ve only had two boyfriends in my life, one was in highschool and this last relationship was the only person after my teens that I fully let in my heart. I gave the relationship my all, my very all, and while I know this is not the right way to think, I feel that somehow at the end I got punished. I don’t quite understand… it would seem that in the book of Karma, that if you are a good person, a devoted, loving and giving girlfriend, that at the end, your heart shouldn’t get broken. But it does, in reality, it does.

And yes, while I know my friends would say there is nothing wrong with me, you can’t help but think there is… how can you not help but feel that there is something incredibly wrong with you when it seems like everytime you end up getting hurt.

I used to be this starry eyed, hopeless romantic girl – a girl who believed in being in love forever, soul mates, love at first sight…But as the years go by, experiences had, disappointments endured, pain felt – I have turned into such a “realist” which may just be another word for cynical. I don’t want to be jaded, but it is so hard to not let your past pain or shadows cloud your present experiences. I’m trying, and I hope the hopeful side of me wins.