Secrets

we all have secrets…secrets we keep from the world, our friends and even ourselves. perhaps we feel that if we keep them locked away then we don’t have to deal with whats hidden underneath them….the emotions…the insecurities…the characteristics and our way of being and thinking that developed from those secrets. I think looking into your past and the things we try to hide can often reveal a lot about how we are today. why are we hardwired to be a certain way and how can we change from the way of living that seems to be engrained in us?

so i’m going to share some of my secrets. some of them i’ve never told anyone. some of them were painful. some of them are my quirks. Watever they are…funny, sad or happy…i hope that maybe if there is someone who has gone through an experience like i have, perhaps reading this will make them feel not so alone.

my secrets…

When I was 6 years old I moved to a new school. I was the only asian girl. At recess I’d pretend to play tag as if others were chasing me so people would think that I had friends. The truth is, no one wanted to play with me.

I felt very lonely.

In grade 6 I as part of the popular group in school. We would sometimes “ditch” members of the group – where we would pretend to be their best friend and be especially nice before the planned “ditch” date. And then, on that day, we ignore, exclude and tease the person. One day, the group decided to “ditch” me. I remember these two girls that I thought were my best friends…they took a rock, threw it on the ground, spat on it and kicked it and said to me “amy” pointing to the rock, “that’s you.” I was terrorized at school everyday and too ashamed to let anyone know. I would cry every night. I wanted to die.

I felt so helpless and disempowered.

Boys never liked me. I wanted to be white so I could fit in and be liked just like all my white friends. I felt ugly and displaced.

In grade 7, my teacher, Mr. Cronkhite believed in me so much. He made me responsible for putting together the school yearbook. He favoured me and made me feel so special. I felt so inspired. I felt invincible.

in grade 8 my best guy friend told me he liked me. I felt uncomfortable and stopped seeing him. He went nuts. He spread rumours about me and teased me with the older kids. One night he called me and for hours old me how I ruined him, how we was hooked on drugs because of me and was getting in trouble with the police. he told me he “made me” because i was nothing without him. I believed him. my self esteem was shot to the ground. i contemplated killing myself.

i fear situations where the freedom to pick up and leave is not an option.

i fear being ordinary.

I have an achilles heel – someone who hurt me and where a lot of unknown was left, and i vow to never be weak and forget the lesson. i act cold and detached so i can convince myself i’m always strong and in control.

I like to always be in control. some ppl call them control issues.

I don’t handle rejection well.

I vowed to always be okay on my own so that i never have to need anyone or anything.

I snore. but I don’t admit it.

My biggest fear is dissappointing people I love and respect.

My sisters and best friends make me feel invincible.

Ihave experienced the feeling ofbeing in complete peace and harmony with someone. it is a moment I own in my heart and a lesson to remind me to never settle for less.

Isteer clear of misery zombies and energy vampires.

Sometimes I feel that its so hard to connect with ppl and so hard to be understood.

I admit, that even though i pride myself on being independant and strong, I like the comfort of feeling taken care of.

I pretended to like my aunt’s cake but it really tasted like cardboard. (but everything else you make is good!!)

I get agitated with people who drive Hummers in the city. I often want to throw objects at them.

ok…well, there you go. there’s a part of me…a lot of me…that i’ve revealed to the world.

To secrets unvealed. it feels damn good.

~ by Amy on July 27, 2008.