That makes two of us

My entry today has no moral of the story, no lesson, no life altering ephiphany. It’s just my thoughts and feelings that I need to express.

I’ve had an emotional week. Perhaps its the full moon, or something else.

I once enjoyed a schedule filled with people, activities and social gatherings. However in the past while I’ve become a bit of a recluse. I still look forward to dinners and conversations over matcha with my close friends, however, in contrast to before, I spend most of my time by myself.

On Friday night I left a dinner party early. I went into my car and it made very initimidating noises and died. Like a stereotypical female, I freaked. I didn’t want to go back inside the restaurant as I didn’t want to bother anyone. As I waited an hour for a tow truck, I walked to a side street where I sat down on the curb in my dress, and cried.

I cried and I cried and then I cried some more. I wished that at that moment I felt I could call someone who would say something comforting and assure me everything was okay. I felt so lonely and I am trying to understand why all of a sudden I am so affected by it. Perhaps its a mix of the recent events of my life, feeling left out – my best friend moved away to Paris, my other best friend is moving away to the other side of the country, and my other friends are getting married and into relationships.

Feeling disappointed, as the last male that I had a more than platonic relationship with has dropped out of my life and because of that, I feel disposable and disrespected. I’m battling with my urge to be bitchy and jaded about the situation, but I know in the end, you cannot control the actions of others, only those of yourself.

I feel silly, shy, and mystified because someone who is by definition a mere stanger, visits my thoughts daily. I am confused – believe in what my idealistic child’s heart tells me or what my rational and practical side tells me. Faith or reality?

Well, the tow truck finally came and I spent the weekend at home with my mom. It was comforting to be with my family. Today, I am back to my regular spirits and while I’m glad that my week of emotional blunder has ended, I am glad I allowed myself to be human. So i’m sharing this with the world even though I’m tempted to lock it as private, as it reveals my flaws and can be viewed as unneccessary self pity, but its me, and the truth is the truth.

I talked to my sister who lives in New York today on msn. She apologized for not calling lately as she too, has been in an emotional bind. She is homesick and misses the unconditional love of our mom and she is also frustrated with the men she’s been meeting and dating in NYC. It’s ironic how the more people you meet and date, the more lonely you feel.

She ended with some very sweet words:

“Remember, if you feel lonley. I feel the same here. And that means we aren’t.”

So world, if there’s someone out there reading this, and you feel lonley, I’m looking out this window rite now into this beautiful city, and I feel lonely too, and I’m pretty sure there’s more of us. So I guess since there’s at least two of us, we’re not so alone afterall.

~ by Amy on July 27, 2008.