Another Year Lived

When I look back and reflect, it’s radical how much change I’ve been through in my twenties.  I feel so fortunate to have gone through so many great experiences, and made the mistakes I made to learn and become a better person after the fact. My search for identity, a place in this world and personal validation and empowerment was a huge struggle and to this day, I’m still figuring out who I am.

At the beginning of my second decade of life, I was a wannabe gangster chick that hung out with a crowd who’s life goals revolved around intimidating others to feel powerful, buying BMW X5’s, shopping at Boy’s Co and getting drunk every weekend at nightclubs. I was living in a world of non-reality, where easy money and disillusionment was normalized, and it was hard to step out of it and see how warped that world really was.  Then one night, my friend was murdered at a nightclub and it was the first death I had ever experienced. It took that incident along with meeting legitimate people while in LA who had real jobs and real empowerment for me to see that the “empowerment” I knew of, was completely distorted. The day I flew back from LA I wrote down my vision on starting an events promotions company. And at age 22, that’s what I did.

I started to promote at nightclubs and at this point in my life, I was completely boy crazy. I was obsessed over my looks and looking “perfect” for men. I was attracted to emotionally unavailable men, typically party promoters and DJs, subconsciously hoping to get validation through association. Of course behind it all, I was still such an innocent girl with a fairytale dream of love, and I was hurt and confused a lot.

I then entered the next stage of my career, marketing. I inspired to be a successful, intelligent and respected business woman and left the “fabulous’ party girl behind. I was an overachiever and strived for the next raise, the next promotion and quickly moved up in the corporate ladder. I found myself constantly getting high after the chase and conquer and realized how uncomfortable I was with being still.

Then,  I fell in love to a free spirited, beautiful soul. In that relationship I learned so much about myself and really started to become comfortable in my own skin. I learned about the different stages and kinds of love and how to really care for someone. I thought I had met the person I’d spend the rest of my life with, and thought I was so sure of it. I experienced my first real heart break in that relationship and while it was a rollercoaster of emotions, I am stronger and even more sure of myself, my boundaries and my needs than ever before.

That leads me to the Amy today, who is still changing and growing by the moment, but also building a stronger foundation of lessons learned at the same time. I don’t regret any experience, relationship, obstacle or choice I have made to this point, but if I was to write a letter to my younger self, here are some of the lessons I’d pass down:

On work:

Never put  all your eggs in one basket. When they need you more than you need them, your ability to speak up, your performance and your confidence will be greater.

Dress professionally and be presentable. Leave the flip flops and lululemon capris for the beach.

Stop saying “sorry” so much and giggling when you are presenting or asked a question you don’t know the answer to. Appear confident even if you’re not really feeling it at the moment.

Prove your value and ask for a raise with the data and facts that support your request.

Update your resume every few months and know what jobs are on the market – even if you’re not looking for one at the time.

Don’t be a bitch, but know when and how to negotiate.

Don’t do or say things just for the sake of reaffirming your value – people can see through it.

Do not make it a norm to eat lunch at your desk.

On friends:

The 5 people you associate with, you become. You can love your friends and family as much as you want, but that does not automatically equate to having them as part of your peer group. Recognize who is toxic to you and distance yourself. It’s normal to feel guilty or bad, but that’s a girl socialization thing you got to get over.

All relationships are an exchange of value – give and don’t just take.

Do you talk only about yourself? When your friend is telling you a story do you interject and all of a sudden the story is about you? Most people who do this don’t have a clue and it’s a huge turn off.

Build a strong foundation of female friends and make the effort, time and energy to get together with them often. Your community is so important.

Each friend will provide a different value. Some friends will be there to go out and have a fabulous time with. Some will be the most loyal and supportive but forget your birthday. Before you write someone off because they are not like this or that, look hard for how they do compliment your life.

Even the best of friends can be energy vampires. If you deplete yourself, you will not be able to give your energy to the others you love. It’s like the airplane rule: put the oxygen mask on yourself before others.

On Love and Men

“Men build bridges…they will build huge, massive bridges to get to you”. – Drew Barrymore

The quote explains something I never grasped in my early twenties. I’m all about the modern, independent woman who goes out and gets what she wants. But in my botched attempts, too many excuses of why he didn’t’ call and more, I’ve learned that the chasing is usually not too successful when done by the woman. Sure, flirt or invite the opportunity – I’m all about that, but don’t chase or be the aggressor…it just doesn’t work at the end. If a guy really likes you, he will make time to see you – nomatter what. If a guy really likes you, he will call you and initiate effort. If they don’t, they really weren’t that in to you and if that’s the case, is that what you want?

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.” – Randy Pausch

Be selective. Your body is a temple. Respect it and be respected.

No matter what stage in the relationship you are in, don’t get so comfortable and lazy that you wear sweatpants every day or start talking in that high pitched baby voice. It’s a stairway to abstinence.

Don’t be desperate, ever. You will only end up feeling shitty with lower self esteem after.

Be supportive and don’t put him down.

Even the strongest love and relationship cannot survive on cruise control. Nurture it, feed it, pay compliments and do little sweet things for each other.

Make it a ritual to greet each other in a loving, excited way every time you or him walks through the door. Very similar to the happy feeling you get when your dog rushes to greet you. Imagine coming home to that from your partner every day?

Say thank you. Don’t ever assume that someone just “knows” show and verbalize your appreciation.

Take time before moving in together. That dating phase is crucial for building a strong foundation.

Guys – notice her hair, or dress and let her know once in a while how beautiful you think she is. We need to hear that verbally once in a while.

On Feeling Fabulous

Take care of yourself. Do your nails, relax at the spa, whatever it is that makes your body and soul feel great. It will exude.

Wear pretty dresses.

If you have bad cramps or acne, Yasmin birth control will save your life.

Stand tall and walk with your head up.

Take dance classes and dance like no one’s watching.

Take time every morning for personal “me” time. That’s something I learned from watching Robin Sharma’s presentation. If you start your morning rushed and running around, it will set the tone for your entire day.

Write in a journal.

Stop apologizing for who you are – your habits, your childhood issues, your quirks – they are all a part of you and you are perfect just the way you are.

Act with grace and class. Ask yourself, “what would Audrey do?”

It’s not weak or shameful to feel emotions – sadness, anger, rejection. Allow yourself to feel them, be conscious that you are feeling an emotion but that emotion does not define you and once it passes, go forward.

Laugh lots.

Give to others. Share with others. Do thoughtful, unexpected things for others. It’s a fool proof way for everyone winning.

Write thank you cards.

Reflect on how fortunate you are and all the great people and opportunities in your life. When you feel appreciation and gratitude, your world is all sunshine.

Look for the good in everybody. Everyone has good in them and that “thing” that makes them special. Sometimes, they don’t even know it. But if you give them a chance and look for that good versus what’s bad, people will rise up to the “good” label. When someone is expected or labeled as something negative, they assume the role and easily become what is expected of them.

Thank you for reading…

I write about my life and share it with strangers because it is a healing and growing process for me. Also, I believe that if someone else out there is going through the same thing, then maybe, they won’t feel so alone. I have had people reach out to me and tell me that my writing has helped them through a difficult time in their lives, and I am very appreciative and inspired by that. I don’t claim to be an expert or know it all –all I know is what I experience and learn along the way and can only hope that I can process that data in a way that makes sense to others. Thank you for reading and being part of my growing process.

~ by amyfabulous on February 10, 2009.